I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
There's always time for handjobs
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize