I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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