The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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