You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He passed out mid-signature
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
