I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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