this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
