I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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