i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
