I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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