i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Can Purell be used as lube?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize
