so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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