All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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