I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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