I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I feel like death gave me a hand job
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
