Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
