Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
