Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
