Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
