god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
