he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
