i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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