I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
