I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Randomize
