got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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