Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize