Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
