i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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