Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
