They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize