Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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