Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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