Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
