If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
