A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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