I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
