Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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