Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
