Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
