you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
