And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
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