Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
