I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
