dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
