I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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