I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He's a Shit stain on my heart
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
