I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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