I just pynch a tree in the face
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
The feeling are messing with the penis
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
