Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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