The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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