I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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