Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
