remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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