You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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