K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
