The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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