First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
home. puking in laundry basket.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
