I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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