my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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