I am in a vortex of obligation.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
