i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
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