Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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