hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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