so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
