The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
