i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
