come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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