So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
